Tuesday, February 09, 2010

How Federal Stimulus Plans Really Work

More Bottoms Up Wisdom from the Hinterlands

If you surf the web, you have a computer. And if you have a computer, you almost certainly have an email account. And if you get email, you sometimes get scurrilous, allegedly funny stuff sent to you all the time. Although it usually serves to clog up your email box, it's occasionally funny. And so it is with one I just got via my esteemed spouse. I have no idea of its origins, but it seems to have the current economic situation sized up just about right. Lightly edited by yours truly. Enjoy:
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another "Economic Stimulus" payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q&A format:
Q.  What is an "Economic Stimulus" payment?
A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.  Where will the government get this money?
A.  From the taxpayers.

Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money?
A.  Only a smidgen of it.

Q.  What is the purpose of this?
A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of  China?
A.  Shut up…

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the  U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
  • If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or  Sri Lanka.
  • If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
  • If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan, or China.
  • If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to  Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. (Editor's note: I'd emend this bullet item to include Chile and the People's Republic of Cal-ee-for-ni-yah.)
  • If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
  • If  you purchase useless stuff, it will go to  Taiwan.
  • If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. 
Instead,  keep the money in America by:
  • Spending it at yard sales, or    
  • Going to ball games, or  
  • Spending it on prostitutes, or
  • American Beer, or
  • Tattoos. 
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.) 
Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink American beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

1 comment:

Wonker, aka TerryP said...

Note to Chinese sex hacker/spammer whose post (written in Mandarin Chinese!) I just deleted: Don't you clowns have something better to do? Or did you misinterpret the word "stimulus?"